I'm the boss
by tehe-61
Summary: Socks? Cake? Songs? Cheese? A Hogwarts Idol? Doctor Who? ACTION FIGURES! This must mean that randomness has risen to a whole new level. God help us all.... Warning: Swearing, World Domination and other offensive things...
1. And it begins

Disclaimer: I do not Harry Potter or (sadly) a wand. 

**I'm the boss...**

* * *

"Somewhere over the rainbow!" 

Yes, I am singing. Yes, I am out of tune. Yes, I have a fear of socks. And YES, I am hiding in a dungeon at the bottom of Hogwarts, because I know Dumbledore's secret plan to molest us all, and it's really creepy, and something smells, and... EWWWW! IS THAT A SOCK!

Scrambling on all fours I crawled out of the cupboard to discover I was not in the dungeon at all, but I was in the Hogwarts kitchen and Winky was drunk... again...

I started to run for the door but spotted the biggest fucking cake on the planet. True, there was this creepy old lady standing beside it, and she kind of reminded me of the witch from Hansel and Gretel but... meh.

It took me three years to eat that cake and in that time the old creepy lady died of a jubjub overdose. At the centre of the cake I found Scott, who was munching on a house elf shin. He grumbled mean words and dove back into the thick blue icing.

I left and went to the great hall were Dobby was refereeing a cock fight, that was going on in Hermione Granger's afro. She didn't seem to notice even though her light urple hair was swaying from side to side. Ron was sitting perfectly sill while Harry tried to shave off his freckles with a dull butter spoon.

Obviously this was the perfect opportunity to hold the first and last Hogwarts Idol!

I jumped onto the nearest table and screamed, "Can't get your kids to leave the house? Stop cooking with cheese!"

Immediately everyone lined up to try out. After 3.62 second tryouts I was able to narrow it down to the top 5 acts. I dragged a kicking and screaming Firenze into the great hall so he could judge with me and Luna Lovegood followed because she wanted the gum that was stuck to his tail.

I sat on the toilet conveniently placed right beside Donut Mountain and yelled, "First up, ROONIL WAZLIB!"

Ron shuffled onto stage wearing a purple latex pantsuit with blue eye shadow.

"I will be singing Underappreciated by Christina Aguilera!"

* * *

_I remember when it all first began _

_We were tight right from the start _

_It wasn't long before you came on strong _

_Trying hard to win my heart (trying to win it) _

_I played hard to get but I couldn't help _

_I gave up my ironing _

_You were thoughtful _

_Careful not to hurt the relationship _

_What happened to those days when _

_You used to be compassionate _

_Caring what I thought and said _

_So attentive gentleman _

_Now it's hard to turn your head away from the TV set _

_Taking me for granted lately _

_Frankly, it's gotta quit _

_I feel underappreciated _

_Now girls help me out _

_'Cause you know what I'm talking about I say _

_I'm feeling Underappreciated _

_For all the time and effort I have put in this commitment _

_Back to the beginning, to the very beginning _

_When our love was something new _

_Back when romance was important _

_Not just another thing to do _

_I was feeling high on love tonight _

_Thought I never come back down _

_Now it seems that you and me _

_Have lost our solid ground _

_Half the time I realize _

_I seem to give more than I get _

_Funny how things seem to change _

_After a few years commitment _

_Used to talk for hours on end _

_'Bout our dreams while we lay in bed _

_How I missed those days when you stayed awake _

_Now you roll over and snore instead _

_I feel underappreciated _

_Now girls help me out _

_'Cause you know what I'm talking about, I say _

_I'm feeling underappreciated _

_For all the time and effort I have put in this commitment _

_Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah _

_I miss those nice massages _

_The long for closeness _

_The way you talk _

_How it turned me on _

_The thoughtfulness and the sweetest lips _

_I needed those days back _

_I feel underappreciated _

_Now girls help me out _

_'Cause you know what I'm talking about I say _

_I'm feeling underappreciated _

_For all the time and effort I have put in this commitment _

* * *

"Amazing Performance!" said Ben Mulroney, who popped up out of a bowl of chicken soup. "Any comments from the Judges? Firenze?" 

Firenze started crying, "I want my mommy!"

I smacked him and said, "Roonil is disqualified!"

A look of glee crossed Ben's face. "Why?"

"Because that outfit and that eye shadow totally don't go. NEXT!"

Harry Potter and Severus Snape glided across the floor on these little flying carpets that they got at the dollar store. And as we all know, you can find anything at the dollar store. Where do you think I get my crack from?

Snape spoke up, "We will be singing At the Beginning from the movie Anastasia."

Harry and Snape started singing as slash fans everywhere got nosebleeds from happiness.

* * *

_We were strangers _

_Starting out on a journey _

_Never dreaming _

_What we'd have to go through _

_Now here we are _

_And I'm suddenly standing _

_At the beginning with you _

_No one told me _

_I was going to find you _

_Unexpected _

_What you did to my heart _

_When I lost hope _

_You were there to remind me _

_This is the start _

_Life is a road _

_And I want to keep going _

_Love is a river _

_I wanna keep flowing _

_Life is a road _

_Now and forever _

_Wonderful journey _

_I'll be there _

_When the world stops turning _

_I'll be there _

_When the storm is through _

_In the end I wanna be standing _

_At the beginning with you _

_We were strangers _

_On a crazy adventure _

_Never dreaming _

_How our dreams would come true _

_Now here we stand _

_Unafraid of the future _

_At the beginning with you _

_Life is a road _

_And I want to keep going _

_Love is a river _

_I wanna keep flowing _

_Life is a road _

_Now and forever _

_Wonderful journey _

_I'll be there _

_When the world stops turning _

_I'll be there _

_When the storm is through _

_In the end I wanna be standing _

_At the beginning with you _

_I knew there was somebody somewhere _

_Like me alone in the dark _

_Now I know my dream will live on _

_I've been waiting so long _

_Nothing's gonna tear us apart _

_Life is a road _

_And I want to keep going _

_Love is a river _

_I wanna keep flowing _

_Life is a road _

_Now and forever _

_Wonderful journey _

_I'll be there _

_When the world stops turning _

_I'll be there _

_When the storm is through _

_In the end I wanna be standing _

_At the beginning with you _

_Life is a road and I wanna keep going _

_Love is a river I wanna keep going on... _

_Starting out on a journey _

_Life is a road and I wanna going _

_Love is river I wanna keep flowing _

_In the end I wanna be standing _

_At the beginning with you. _

* * *

Ben was too busy snapping pictures for his private collection so we, the judges, started without him. 

"That was a disgrace to Anastasia, get out of my castle!"

At this point Firenze was on the floor, screaming into a gas mask as Luna chewed on his tail.

"NEXT!"

Hermione Granger walked in front of us, her hair still swaying.

"I will be singing Don't Stop Me Now by Queen."

* * *

_Tonight I'm gonna have myself a real good time _

_I feel alive and the world it's turning inside out Yeah! _

_I'm floating around in ecstasy _

_So don't stop me now don't stop me _

_'Cause I'm having a good time having a good time _

_I'm a shooting star leaping through the skies _

_Like a tiger defying the laws of gravity _

_I'm a racing car passing by like Lady Godiva _

_I'm gonna go go go _

_There's no stopping me _

_I'm burning through the skies Yeah! _

_Two hundred degrees _

_That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit _

_I'm trav'ling at the speed of light _

_I wanna make a supersonic man of you _

_Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time _

_I'm having a ball don't stop me now _

_If you wanna have a good time just give me a call _

_Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time) _

_Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time) _

_I don't want to stop at all _

_I'm a rocket ship on my way to Mars _

_On a collision course _

_I am a satellite I'm out of control _

_I am a sex machine ready to reload _

_Like an atom bomb about to _

_Oh oh oh oh oh explode _

_I'm burning through the skies Yeah! _

_Two hundred degrees _

_That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit _

_I'm trav'ling at the speed of light _

_I wanna make a supersonic woman out of you _

_Don't stop me don't stop me don't stop me _

_Hey hey hey! _

_Don't stop me don't stop me _

_Ooh ooh ooh (I like it) _

_Don't stop me have a good time good time _

_Don't stop me don't stop me _

_Ooh ooh Alright _

_I'm burning through the skies Yeah! _

_Two hundred degrees _

_That's why they call me Mister Fahrenheit _

_I'm trav'ling at the speed of light _

_I wanna make a supersonic woman of you _

_Don't stop me now I'm having such a good time _

_I'm having a ball don't stop me now _

_If you wanna have a good time _

_Just give me a call _

_Don't stop me now ('Cause I'm having a good time) _

_Don't stop me now (Yes I'm having a good time) _

_I don't wanna stop at all _

_La la la la laaaa _

_La la la la _

_La la laa laa laa laaa _

_La la laa la la la la la laaa hey!!... _

* * *

Hermione bowed and the cock fight in her hair stopped as they fell out and proceeded to peck Dean and Seamus who were sitting on the sidelines. 

"Well... that was... certainly... interesting."

I grabbed a passing student by the arm and whispered, "Call 911. Tell them we have a sex maniac, possible rapist on our hands who smells and probably tastes just like chicken!"

Hermione skipped out as I yelled, "NEXT!"

Someone in a pink cloak with a hood stepped up. They threw back their hood to reveal... oh no...

I burst into tears, "It's DUMBLEDORE!"

All the students immediately started singing Christmas carols as I beat Dumbledore with a Teddy Bear that had a spiked collar.

"NEXT!" I yelled as the teachers dragged his carcass away.

Dobby shuffled on stage, his pillow case looking especially clean today.

"Imgnnbesngingamomntlkethis…"

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

Dobby sighed then coughed up a hair ball, "Now can you hear me?"

"Yes…" We were all staring at the hair ball that was starting to twitch.

"I will be singing A Moment Like This."

* * *

_ooh oooh  
Ooh  
What if I told you it was all meant to be (eeee)  
Would you believe me, would you agree  
It's almost that feeling that we've met before  
So tell me that you don't think I'm crazy  
When I tell you love has come here and now _

A moment like this  
Some people wait a lifetime  
For a moment like this  
Some people search forever  
For that one special kiss.  
Ohh, I can't believe it's happening to me  
Some people wait a lifetime  
For a moment like this

Everything changes, but beauty remains  
Something so tender I can't explain  
Well I may be dreaming but till I awake  
Can we make this dream last forever  
And I'll cherish all the love that we share

A moment like this  
Some people wait a lifetime  
For a moment like this  
Some people search forever  
For that one special kiss  
Ohh!  
I can't believe it's happening to me  
Some people wait a lifetime  
For a moment like this  
could this be the greatest love of all  
I wanna know that you will catch me when I fall  
So let me tell you this  
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment... like this!

Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this  
Some people search forever for that one special kiss  
Ohh, I can't believe it's happening to me  
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this  
A moment like this!  
For that one special kiss

Oooohhhh I can't believe it's happening to me  
Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this  
A moment like this

* * *

A single tear slipped down my face as the whole school watched Dobby who had somehow managed to find his way onto Harry's lap during the duration of the song. 

"That was… beautiful." The comment didn't come from me. No, it came from Firenze who had stopped screaming and was grinning like an idiot. Maybe it had something to do with all the needles lying around but who am I to judge?

"And the winner is, DOBBY!" I stepped up to give him his prize. "Here is your very own, Harry Potter." I was dragging Harry by the hair.

"You can't give me as a prize! I have rights!"

I snorted, "Not here you don't. Not when I'm the boss."

I gave Harry to Dobby and I also gave him a complimentary gag to shut Harry up.

"Well folks, that's it. NOW GET OFF MY PROPERTY!"

Everyone scrammed. I got out my cell phone that I had stolen from Dobby when he wasn't looking and called a number.

"Hey Voldy, feel like taking over the world with me?"

* * *

A/N: This is what happens when I want to get rid of my writer's block. I tend to write stuff that makes absolutley no sense. 


	2. Author's Note

aUtHoR nOtE:

I've recently been thinking about making a second chapter for this story. Just for when writers block feels like striking.

Keep in mind, it could hit at any time so you might want to get a story alert for this one.

All other chapters of this story will be very much like the first one. Meaning they will no sense but complete sense at the same time. Why would I do that, you ask? That's just how I roll... and I can't seem to write anything else at those given times.

Hugs, Kisses and World Domination

tEhE-61 3


	3. Don't fucking touch my Action Figure

Title: I'm the Boss  
Summary: I have to face multiple crises' with only my wits to protect me. Yep, I'm doomed.  
A/N: The crackfics have returned……  
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or Doctor Who and all things associated with them. But wait till opposite day… then we'll see… evil grin

* * *

I cart wheeled down Diagon Ally on a sunny midnight looking for school supplies.

"Another year, another cake..."

I couldn't see on account of my new ski goggles that were tinted on both sides, so I bumped into Draco Malfoy. I could tell because his feet smelled like money.

He looked down and sneered, "Filthy mudblood."

I returned his sneer with my best clown face.

"As long as the mud's purple I'm down with that my HOMEY-G!"

Several people around us burst into spontaneous raps about doctors and flying blue phone boxes. A/N:1

Malfoy kicked my bag with his loverly smelling toes. I automatically burst into tears, which happened to be purple like my blood.

"My David Tennant action figure is in there!" A/N:2  
  
I dragged him out the caverns of my bag and into the sweet, fresh and extensively polluted air, as I slowly dialed 911 into my shoe phone.

"Quick! I need an Ambulance/Camero!"

Moments later a vehicle appeared with "Oremac/ecnelubmea" written on the front with permanent Sharpie markers. God, I love Sharpie markers. Sirius Black hopped out of the vehicle.

"Roof roof!"

Translated, that means, "Sorry I took so long. I was at a hotel and I was fighting with one of those ladies who puts the mints on the pillow. They just don't fucking understand that I need one for my human side, one for my dog side and one for my Britney Spears side!"

After a conversation about tea towels that lasted a couple of hours we finally made it to the hospital.

"Aren't you gonna help me carry my action figure out of the Oremac/ecnelubmea?"

"Can't, I've got no opposable thumbs."

"Then how did you drive here?"

"Magic."

"Sweet."

I got my David Tennant action figure into the emergency ward and under the care of a man in a pink hooded cloak that looked nothing like Dumbledore and was not suspicious looking at all.

I was sent to a waiting room with strobe lights and I was given some cheese and crackers.

Cheese and crackers, people.

CHEESE AND CRACKERS! A/N:3

I loved these mutants already.

Suddenly I heard a scream coming from the area where I had left my action figure. I ignored it and went skipping up the stairs as I hummed the Family Guy theme song. When I reached the roof I found the man in the pink hooded cloak dressing my action figure in a blue skirt and matching top.

"NOOOOOOOO!" I screeched and lunged at the not at all familiar man. "What do you think you're doing!? Blue is sooo not his color." I grabbed my David Tennant action figure and proceeded to put on him the extra action figure outfit that I always kept in my fanny pack. "Purple is a much more flattering color."

After I was done with putting that gor-geous outfit on my action figure I looked up to see the man in the pink hooded cloak doing a sort of Russian dance.

After watching him for ten minutes I said aloud to myself, "That man is so familiar but I'm not going to acknowledge him because the authoress of this fan fiction doesn't want me too. And as we all know if you disobey the author of the story you are in you will never get a pet bunny to name Alfred…. and I've always wanted a pet bunny…"

I paused to listen to the author as she spoke in my head. She told me to go back down the stairs so I grabbed my David Tennant action figure and jumped off the roof. Just so you know I never got a bunny named Alfred. Let that be a lesson to you all.

Now you may be thinking, "Wow! She jumped off a roof? I hope there is a giant pie at the bottom to break her fall. I like pie. But I don't like Britney Spears. She smells funny."

What we have learned from that insight into the reader's minds is a) Yes. I am a mind reader and b) so are you because there is a giant pie at the bottom to break my fall.

Cool, eh.

I did a perfect swan dive into the pie (which was lemon meringue in case you were wondering) and when I came up for breath I saw him.

That's right. I saw Barty Crouch Jr. I did what any fan girl would do in that situation. I squealed. Not just any sort of squeal. The fan girl squeal.

He took one look at my David Tennant action figure and squealed in response.

"Oh. My. GOD! That like totally looks like me!" It was true. My David Tennant action figure and Barty Crouch Jr. looked very similar in face, body and outfits.

Oh this was good. Very good.

I grabbed Barty Crouch Jr. and stuffed in my big red bag that I had stolen from Santa Claus. (That taught him not to eat my cookies…) Barty didn't seem to mind all that much and he just pulled some nail polish out of his pocket and painted his nails. He did a pretty good job considering he was being jostled around in the bag with every step I took. I wish I could paint nails like that.

Just as I thought I had gotten away with my kidnapping of my action figure lookalike, I bumped once again into Draco Malfoy.

For some reason he had not moved since I had left him to take my David Tennant action figure to the hospital. That might be because I had glued his feet to the ground when he wasn't looking…

"Don't make any sudden movements."

Ignoring this I leaned around Draco to look for the source of that voice. It was none other than Albus Dumbledore and he was holding my action figure.

"Finally! The David Tennant action figure is mine! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

I cried and made other noises of great distress. I even made a magical orchestra appear to play sad music in the background. "Please don't hurt my action figure! I'll do anything!"

"Nothing could compare owning this action figure! NOTHING!"

Then with a brilliant stroke of genius (and I do have those every once in a while) I came up with the perfect trade. "What if I told you that I could give a replica of my action figure in full size?"

Dumbledore paused midway through his evil thoughts of forcing everyone in the world to do Russian dances all the time, to listen to me. "A perfect replica? I don't believe you. Let's see."

I opened my Santa Claus bag and showed him Barty Crouch Jr. who had moved on from his nails and was now putting rollers in his hair.

Dumbledore's smile grew and he grabbed the bag and handed me my action figure back. "DEAL!" He skipped off into the distance with his new…. friend…

I hugged my action figure and said, "Wow! Good thing everyone got off scotch free!" Then I thought of poor Barty Crouch Jr. who was probably going to be forced to put curlers in Dumbledore's hair and I said, "Well, everyone who matters."

I also skipped off into the sunset with my action figure. Too bad the sunset was made of cardboard.

30 MINUTES LATER…

I came back and helped Draco unstick his feet from the ground because not only couldn't he move but the glue was blocking his feet smell. And what is the world without feet that smell like money?

THE END

* * *

A/N:1 For those of you who got the Doctor Who reference, congratulations. For those who didn't, NO COOKIE FOR YOU! It's okay. You wouldn't want them anyway. They're green and smell kinda funny…

A/N:2 Yes, I actually do have a David Tennant action figure and I love it to death. I take it everywhere with me so it won't wander off. You can never leave those action figures alone…

A/N:3 Let me just say something about hospital cheese and crackers. They are superior to all other kinds. I'm serious. I don't know what they do to them. Maybe they inject them with crack…. Well, anyway. They are the best cheese and crackers ever. Next time you get the chance, break some part of your body that is disposable. Or break someone else…. Believe me. When you get to the hospital you will realize it was worth it.


End file.
